Looking back, I realized that it has been at least 10 months ever since I posted in this blog. And also this days marks the end of June even though our classes barely started like two weeks ago. I thought that I'd probably clean this (probably) rotting blog that only talks about my personal life because I'm actually too lazy to write in paper and I think it would be a waste of paper and not only that, they'll probably eaten by termites or something and I'm not good at keeping things like I'm supposed to be looking for my notebooks back when I was a freshmen but tough luck.
And I'm ranting.
Maybe one of the reasons why I opened this blog and just write random stuff is because I'm kind of unhappy with the things as of now. I'm pretty contented with my life but I don't think I'm enjoying school much as I did the past year.
[Get ready for my long story.]
For four years, I have been stuck in a classroom where I started my freshmen and ended my two years of junior high. There I had experienced a lot of things, met different kinds of people, bonded with them, hated them, argued with them, and some complicated status. To be honest, I kind of think back then, what would happen after all of these?
I remember back when I used to walk home with Allen, the Tank, and Cardinal-san, there was that one time when I lagged behind and try to think if that moment would just stay there. But of course, I know that in that four years, things may change and I just thought what would happen if that time comes. What would I do then?
Then came, third year and Allen switched schools, I was kind of depressed for at least a month I don't know. I mean, he's the only person I can actually talk to and make sense. I only talk with Cardinal-san about science and other stuff and Tank with his stories of military, wars, air crafts, ships and history. So I was pretty down that time since I lost my partner-in-crime.
Even so, at least we still had connection because squad goals never ends. But that communication is pretty low, so to speak.
Now then comes our senior high, I don't know but these past two weeks, I've never felt that I'm myself. I'm actually afraid I'm going to turn back into my elementary self where I would be isolated from social communication and just think that studying is my only purpose for being in school. Allen returned but we're in different class and we barely see each other since I'm on the second floor while he's on the first floor. The Tank had left for another school the same as Cardinal-san who left for another school, trying to close off any contact we have with him.
Sad to say, I'm missing those days where we would always be together. Like seriously. I've thought about that the moment of separation would happen but I never really knew what to do. I feel so lost and alone. Even the class that I had stayed for four years, is enough to make me want their company because we had been so comfortable with each other, we always give support to others. And another is that Charlie left for another school after scamming us that she would be staying with us in the school.
But now...
It's like I want to throw a bomb in my new class.
Over and over again, I had told people that the main reason that I set off in the journalism track is to never mingle with my elementary classmates except for Leen who had been my classmate for at least eight years, counting our junior high. But sadly, now that we are in a different level, we were all broken apart.
Apparently, I have a classmate back then who was jealous of me because I was always the top honor. And there's already a conspiracy amongst us since we don't really have books, he had been a step ahead with the researches. I, actually, don't mind if he does anything so he can secure the top, but I somehow felt like giving up without a fight or it's just my pride, really.
Now that my previous classmates are separated, our goal is to secure the honors of the classes because why not? We have been somehow isolated for the entire batch for four years and in those years, they would challenge us into getting a higher grade in class projects and from what I heard, it's because we're intimidating.
In what way would we have been intimidating?
We were only a small class of 34, in a different curriculum than the others, against the at least a hundred of them who were taught the same sciences that we weren't taught of.
Another thing is, I am having doubts once again in joining our debating society. I know of our differences in status, performance and relationship but I felt no motivation to go one much like the same motivation I lack in going to the canteen because apparently there's no really purpose for me to leave our classroom. And our new building feels so isolated even though the main building is only across the school. I actually appreciate the building we stayed before.
Going back, one of the reasons I debate, is because I enjoy it and two, I had my classmates but since Therese and Tank left for the same school, the only ones in our batch that was left was me, Rence, and Gravity. Rence is already particularly close with everyone and he has outstanding talents so I believe he doesn't have any reason to leave. And I'm just the same as Gravity, we're standing on the passive neutral level where we don't really care what happens.
It's just saddening that I feel like I'm abandoning the things that made me who I am today just because of the factors and conditions that I have met to form me into this person. I owe my character development to my previous classmates and I'm thanking (sarcastically) my new classmates for revealing once again that life outside is cruel and it is indeed "survival of the fittest".
Needless to say, I'm starting to be negatively deep once again.
[Other than that, I still have mixed feelings about Brexit.]
